TGIF!!!

I stared this blog for no reason really. One can tell my passion for it by the frequent posts...not! But what I am slowing coming to realize is that it is one more tool in the tool belt to get through life. There was a point in my life (about 1.5 years ago) that I thought if I could get the weight off, things would be great! Well, now all but about 40 pounds or so are gone and things are not always great. Truthfully, some days they are far from great. But one thing I have learned through these last few years is that regardless of how bad things seem, there is really always something great that happens in a day, if only I am concious enough to notice it.

My daughter battles with bi-polar. She has mostly highs, but the lows are so sad to watch. The cycles are fast and furious most days. I wonder if we will ever land in the middle. She is so incredibly smart and witty. I find that just as frustrated as I get with her moods, I am twice that frustrated at myself when I can't just love her enough to make it go away. I know that isn't possible, but what I wouldn't give. It's not even that I want to change her. I actually have come to admire the person she is right this minute. I just want other people to realize that we are not all the same and to have soem friggin empathy towards others.

I also struggle with depression. I know it isn't a popular thing to say, but I just refuse medication until there is no other option. I really try to force my way out of it. It is never easy. The hardest part is to realize that I am headed down that road. I know there is absolutely no reason not to take medication. I choose not to because of some stupid hangups I have with my mother. She struggles as well and just relies on medication to fix all that ails her. Me, once I really ponder things, I am usually able to get passed it. So, I might even have to say that I have depressive tendencies, but is it really clinical depression if you can deal with it? I don't know.

What I do know is that I am determined that the clutter that strikes my home has invaded my mind...or vise versa. Either way, both my mind and my house have to get cleaned out. I was going to follow the Peter Walsh example and drag everything out to the front yard, but it is supposed to rain again this weekend. Oh well, at least it isn't snow.

Was this supposed to be a weight loss blog? Well, I guess I highjacked my own blog...

Trying to find my way out...

I am a firm believer in pulling yourself up and getting on with life. I have a family history depression. I have been diagnosed with depression several times in my life. I can feel myself sinking again. Denial is really not a friend and yet, for some reason, denial stays so close.

I have been in Allan's challenges and will try to hang on through this current one. I am staying with my food intake. The calories are not hard for me. Making those 1200 calories count with good food, a little bit tougher. I read the weight loss blogs almost every day. I rarely comment because I don't usually have anything new to add to them that other readers haven't already said.

I also find that I am not having much trouble with the fluid intake...as long as I keep most of it to decaffeinated tea sweetened with splenda. I have realized that even frozen yogurt doesn't count as fluid. (I know, most people already knew that, I was just looking for excuses.)

The moving that is on the current plan also isn't much for me. However, I have been beating myself up because I haven't been to the gym since September. How do I really think this last 40 or so pounds is going to come off if I don't get back to the gym? If just hoping caused weight loss, we would all be rail thin, right?

So last night I packed my gym bag and put it by the front door. I set the alarm and made a list of the few things I had to do before I left. I got up this morning (without hitting the snooze button) and got to my list. I made the kids lunches, got dinner ready for hubby to put in the crock pot when he got up, and made it out the door by 515am.

Today is a new day. I think I have to stop looking ahead and just look at the now. I am hoping that the exercise will renew my spirit in spite of myself.